Bear Caves Complete Series: A Bear Shifter Box Set Page 9

  “You smell nice,” Joshua says distractedly. I punch his chest in response, but it only hurts my knuckles. He is all muscled. I had noticed it the first time when we had sex. Even now, his arms are rock solid in my hands. His gorgeous face. The little red wound on his lips where I had bitten him, his disheveled hair. I am so consumed by him that I can hardly think straight.

  “Stop,” I tell him.

  “Stop what?” he whispers in my ears. I don’t know if he’s doing this on purpose.

  “Can you stand away from me? I can’t breathe,” I manage to speak, stammering at every word.

  Joshua begrudgingly heeds my request. We find a bench nearby to sit and talk.

  I catch my breath, and the high of Joshua’s touch gets replaced by the hurt of the betrayal once more.

  I want nothing more than to forgive him, put this behind us, tell him I don’t care if he lied because I love myself so little, that I crave love so hungrily. Whatever he can give me is enough. I want to tell him this. But I don’t. I stop myself from losing all of my self-respect. How will I ever look myself in the eye when this is over? Have some self-preservation, woman.

  I stand upright, straightening my spine and meeting Joshua’s resentful gaze. I can tell he feels sorry about the whole thing.

  “Why did you—” I begin, but Joshua interrupts me.

  “Why didn’t I tell you, Jessica? C’mon. There is no way you would’ve believed me. And if for some reason you had, you would have never moved in with me.” He pauses, and his eyes droop a little. “Tell me I’m wrong,” he says weakly.

  He is not wrong. I know as much. I would’ve dismissed him as a weirdo if he had told me anything about bears. Then how do I stop myself from feeling this wronged?

  “All I wanted to do was to help, Jessica. My methods might not have been—” I stop Joshua.

  “No, you did help. I just—” I pause to look for the words. “I don’t know who you are, Joshua. We’re strangers.” I look him in the eye, and he shrivels with each word out of my mouth. “It’s tiring to tip-toe around you. I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are. I have no clue how we have ended up here.”

  I slump back against the back of the bench realizing the same thing is true for Joshua. He doesn’t know why my bags are still at Kristen’s place. He has no idea why a girl like me would be willing to move in with a guy like him after talking to him for only a week.

  “We can get to know each other,” Joshua offers with conviction in his voice. “We’ve only known each other for a few weeks. It’s not fair to expect any more understanding than that, what do you think?”

  ‘Reasonable’ is what I think. ‘Fair’ is what I want to tell him. But my hands shake at the prospect of going back to the village.

  “Are you a bear, too?” I ask with a tremble in my voice that refuses to settle.

  Joshua gives me a look that says there is no easy way to do this. “A bear shifter. Not a bear.”

  “What’s the difference?” I ask stupidly. As a human, all I can think of is he can turn into a bear. A freakin’ bear.

  “Well, I’m a human. I can just shift into a bear at will,” he says. “And sometimes not at will,” he clarifies.

  “Can I see?” I ask. Surprisingly, the tremble in my throat is gone. I’m okay, I tell myself. I can take this.

  “Jessica, let’s not.”

  “I want to see,” I insist.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’ll never have to see my bear form if I can help it. And my control is pretty good.” Joshua doesn't meet my eye.

  “Joshua,” I lift his chin to make him face me. “Let’s see what you got.”

  I know the playfulness in my words doesn’t bring any solace to him. This must be hard for him, too. To reveal your most vulnerable self to a stranger. But we will never move past this until we lay ourselves bare. Ready to subject ourselves to the other’s scrutiny.

  Joshua lets out a long exaggerated sigh. His shoulders fall. “We need to go into the woods,” he says reluctantly and points to a faraway place, past the motels and the lights.

  We walk into the woods. It’s deathly dark, and we don’t use our phones to avoid attracting other animals. I don’t feel scared as Joshua leads me into the thick forest by the hand. I do feel safe with him. I will myself to be stronger. To be able to take this. Something tells me that Joshua would be every bit worth the effort. I squeeze his fingers a little. Joshua turns back to check if I’m okay. I wonder if he can tell in the darkness that I am.

  We arrive at a clearing of some sort. The pale moonlight from above makes it so we can barely make out each other’s silhouette. Joshua lets go of my hand and stands away from me.

  “I really don’t want to do this, Jessica. Can we not?” Joshua asks. His words come out almost like a cry. Like he is about to break down.

  I go up to his shadow, wrap both of my arms around his neck, and kiss him full on the mouth. I can’t see his face. All I can do is feel his soft lips. The warmth of his mouth. The touch of his careful hands on my shoulders. He is so afraid of this, I realize. So much more than I am.

  I pull away and place a hand on Joshua’s cheek.

  “Great things spring out of overcoming great challenges,” I say in a low whisper. Joshua takes it in then his head falls down on my shoulder. I grip his head in an embrace. He’s like an infant.

  “You have to believe we can make it through this, baby,” I say so close to Joshua’s ears. He shifts his head and buries it into the crook of my neck. We stay like this for a few moments until Joshua lets go and takes a few steps back again, readying himself.

  He stands up in front of me. I can faintly feel his eyes resting on my outline.

  “Jessica, you’re very important to me.” Joshua’s voice is another cry.

  The next instant, I hear a snap and a rip of fabric. A cold breeze passes me by. Joshua’s figure grows taller and morphs into a looming shadow. A chill runs down my spine. A glint of ivory shines before a growl reverberates in the woods, making animals run and scutter away.

  I look up at the dark silhouette leering at me. The low rumbly growl making my knees buckle. The bear’s form walks out of the darkness and into the light of the moon. All of my worries fade away as I see Joshua’s brown eyes. I waddle towards him with faltering knees. I touch the soft, brown fur on his arm, and he recoils. A roar escapes his mouth. I grab hold of his arm and move closer to him. I reach out my hand to try and touch his cheek. He is too far up. Joshua bends down as he sees me trying to reach up for him anyway.

  His bear head is bent down as I caress the fur on his face. He might be in his bear form, but he is still Joshua. The same childlike demeanor. The same fear of the world, the fear of getting too close to anything or anyone. I’m convinced that Joshua is still in there. I’m suddenly filled with an urge to make him mine. To read him like a book and remember every sentence. To commit him to memory and never forget that something as precious could belong to me.

  Chapter 16 – Joshua

  There is a moment when you’ve been drowning for so long that you forget what that first taste of breath in your lungs feels like.

  My skin is still hot where Jessica’s hand had rested on my cheeks. Nothing has felt that welcoming in an eternity. Nothing has broken and put me back together quite like that touch. It’s been too long to remember why we make this mistake over and over again. The mistake of loving absolutely. The answer rests at the tip of my tongue right now. We love because it mends you in ways that you can’t even imagine. It’s cleansing for your soul.

  I had been too afraid of losing control over myself in front of Jessica in my bear form. After that nightmare, knowing the bloodlust I’m capable of feeling, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself for it. No, forgiving is far out of the question. I would’ve killed myself before I ever got to Jessica. But to my utter surprise, all I felt while standing in front of her was someone finally seeing me. Taking the time to make sense of my chaos. Last night, I felt acce
pted. I can spend the rest of my life trying to make Jessica feel the same.

  We drove back home, battered and exhausted and went straight to sleep when we reached it. I told Jessica we don’t need to go back to the village so soon. We can wait until she’s ready. But she wanted to go back.

  “I know you won’t let anything happen to me,” she had said as her fingers played with my hair. She was right about that. I’m afraid I’ll do anything to keep her safe. That’s the thing about discovering something worth protecting, it redefines what you’re capable of.

  We wake up in the morning next to each other. It makes me feel like something in my chest is settling down. Something that had been rattling for a long time is finally lodging in place. I smile at Jessica when she stretches her arms the first thing when she’s up. Her hair is a beautiful ruffled mess, and her eyes are still red, probably from crying so much.

  I’m observing all of her imperfections when she reaches for my face unbidden. I’m taken aback by her boldness until a sharp pain from where she touches makes me grimace. I tilt my head to the mirror to find a bruise next to my lips.

  In a mad rage, I had launched myself at Raymond’s bear form last night. Foolish of me. There is no way I could’ve handled him with my human body no matter how much stronger I am than he is.

  I take Jessica’s hand in mine when her face wilts at the sight of the wound.

  “It’s nothing,” I reassure her. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “It’s not nothing,” she replies, yanking her hand free from my grip. “Come sit on the couch,” she commands, slipping out of bed.

  I do as I’m asked.

  “Where is the first aid kit?”

  I point to the kitchen cabinet with the first aid box. I want to tell her I heal quickly, that the wound will be gone within a few hours. But she seems so determined, I quietly obey all of her instructions.

  She makes me sit on the couch then straddles me. I try not to get any stupid ideas with her body so close to mine. She really doesn’t think these things through, I figure. She’ll drive me insane at this rate, I laugh out loud. It makes Jessica cock her head towards me in question, but I dismiss it with the shake of my head. Her breast is inches away from my face as she handles some cotton and an anti-septic cream in her hands, leaning over on top of me. I fight all of the impulses to tackle her down and ravish her on the couch once again.

  She notices me staring at her cleavage and presses my wound hard. I let out an involuntary curse.

  “My eyes are up here,” she instructs pointing towards her face. I avert my gaze and look away. I want to stare at her cleavage. I feel like a child being denied candy.

  “So tell me about the village,” Jessica says as she cleans the wound.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything,” she stops and stares at me. “Is Rose a bear shifter?”

  I nod in agreement, not knowing where that came from.

  “And if Raymond is—” She pauses. “Is Julia, too?”

  I nod again. She goes back to tending to the wound meticulously.

  “So was Mia then.” It’s more of a statement, but I reaffirm her hypothesis.

  “You said Raymond threatened you with me. I didn’t understand what that meant.” She pauses again and appears to be in thought. “I still don’t think I understand it.”

  Jessica gets off of me when she’s done with the wound on my face and then inspects the rest of my body. She spots a scratch on my left arm and makes me lift my jeans up to my knees to check my legs.

  “I’m the alpha of the clan,” I tell Jessica. All of her movements stop, and she leans back to take a good look at me. She raises an eyebrow in suspicion as if she thinks I’m lying.

  “So, you’re important or something?” she asks.

  “Not really,” I respond earnestly. “My father was the alpha of the clan before me until he passed away. My grandfather was the alpha before him. I would run away if it were up to me,” I say scoffing a little. “But it’s not just up to me. This was important to my father and grandfather. This is my life, Jessica. No matter how much I might want to run away from it from time to time.” I press my lips firmly with a bit of regret. I want to tell Jessica that we can leave the village and run away. But I can’t. This is my life.

  “I don’t want you to run away either,” she says flatly. A thin bundle of hair pours down her eyes. I instinctively tuck it behind her ears. Jessica looks up at me as soon as I do with a smoldering blaze to her glare.

  “What?” I ask, not understanding if I’d done something wrong. We have had sex, we sleep together in the same bed, tucking her hair behind her ear is where we draw the line?

  “Nothing,” she replies. She winces as she shifts her weight from her left leg to the right. I grab her hand before she can tumble back on the couch.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  Jessica pulls her pajama bottoms up to her knees. A nasty red wound peeks through the hem.

  “Your turn,” I say, taking the ointment from her hands.

  “It must have happened when I lost my balance yesterday,” she remembers idly.

  Yesterday seems like a forever ago.

  “Before Mia, I had every plan to run away once I grew up,” I say placing Jessica’s foot on my lap to take a close look at the wound. “Then she made me fall in love with this place.”

  “Why do you sound so sad about it?” Jessica asks. I scrape her wound with the cotton, and she pulls her leg back in response.

  “I’m not sad.” I don’t sound convincing at all. “It’s hard to remind yourself you love something when the feeling is not there anymore.” I curl inwards at the words. They sound more like words for Mia. In many ways, they are.

  “I know what you mean,” Jessica replies understandingly. “It’s hard to keep loving memories and ghosts.” A sad smile on her face tells me she speaks from experience.

  “There is no meaning, right?” Jessica says.

  “There is no meaning,” I concur.

  I suppose Jessica understands well already why it is that I can’t leave. I’m glad I don’t need to put it in words. I don’t think I’ll be able to even if I tried because it’s easier to run away from things. It’s something else entirely to try to make things work instead, to stay and let them matter to you.

  After Mia died, the bear clan is possibly the only thing that kept me alive. I could’ve left the world otherwise. Nothing to live for. I don’t tell Jessica any of this morbid stuff. The last thing I want is her worrying about me going and killing myself. Besides, I’ve begun to like life again.

  “You know all my secrets now.” I smile at Jessica. She smiles back. As soon as I’m done with fixing the bruise on Jessica’s knee, I lean in and kiss her on the mouth. She parts her lips letting my tongue explore her.

  A buzz of Jessica’s phone forces us to separate. Jessica goes into the bedroom to take the call. Sitting on the couch, I’m suddenly overcome with happiness. The same sense of relief that life is worth living fills me to the brim with satisfaction. I look out the window and admire the beautiful day outside for the first time in a long while. Despite the winter, the sun is beaming.

  Jessica comes out of the bedroom screaming in delight and embraces me in a hug.

  “Karen offered me the position for her remote assistance,” she says with unadulterated enthusiasm in her voice.

  “That’s great news,” I say until the memory of her wanting to move out hit me. “Wait does that mean you will—” Jessica places a finger on my lips.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she assures me. I grin like a schoolboy at her response. I tighten my grip around her feeling the happiness that’s starting to grow inside of me. “It does mean that I won’t have to starve to death,” Jessica adds as I squeeze her in my arms.

  “You were never going to starve to death.”

  We decide to cook lunch together and feast on mac and cheese. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder
s now that Jessica knows everything about the bears, and about me. No more lying, no more secrets. I can breathe easily now, finally enjoy having Jessica nearby.

  Now that she knows everything, I don’t want to let her go. Other than the very expected worry in her eyes every time she stares out the window, it seems like Jessica loves it around here, too. The rest of it will take a little getting used to. But I’m glad we can put our rough start behind us. I’m sure the clan would love to have her around. Though, I wonder if all of this is enough for her. For me, I was not planning on having another mate being in my life again. Perhaps, she didn’t want anyone, either. So soon after her break up no less. This is a big change, but goddamn do I want to find out where it goes.

  Chapter 17 – Jessica

  I don’t know whose reflection I see in the mirror. I still have the same exterior, the same skin, the same blond hair, the same eyes, but I feel a world of difference on the inside. I don’t know who the girl that stares back at me really is. She’s brand new. It feels like having warm fluttering butterflies in my stomach.

  Joshua left for work early in the morning, and I took care of some of my own work for Karen, and Ophelia, my baker client.

  I have some time on my hands. I take in the person in front of me. I want to say I’m miles away from home in a stranger's bedroom, but I can’t bring myself to call Joshua a stranger anymore. Quite the opposite. He heard my screams when the whole world thought I was silent. As strange as that may be, Joshua is no stranger because if he is, I don’t know a soul in the world.

  I no longer need to stay with him now that I am Karen’s remote assistant. The pay is pretty damn good. Enough that I can afford my own apartment. But more than the money it provides, the work is so satiating. It reminds me of old times when Karen and I used to work together. It doesn’t hurt to feel wanted, to be of use, to own your day at work. The quality of the work with Karen is so good that I almost consider moving to New York in a year or two if things keep going this well. The point is, I no longer need to stick around at Joshua’s apartment. With the whole bear shifter business, I must be borderline insane to not run in the opposite direction already. To pack my bags and never look back at this, as if it were a strange dream.